Satire by Benjamin Midler
Several weeks ago, Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education Harry J. Elam, Jr. announced that 12 summer courses would be offered free of charge to 300 students who will be selected by raffle. Described as an effort to alleviate the challenging circumstances faced by students during the ongoing pandemic, Elam, who is stepping down from his post this year, confided in The Daily that the lottery is actually a ploy to find his replacement.
“I want to make sure that my job will be in good hands after I’ve left,” he said. “And selecting a random student via lottery struck me as the best way to do that.”
When asked for details on how the lottery will work, Elam placed a large purple and green top hat on his head before explaining that “the 300 students, at some point this week, will bite into a chocolate bar to find a golden ticket inside. That ticket is the first step along a whimsical and magical path that ends with only one surviving student. They will then be given my job.”
When asked to explain what exactly this path entails — and what he meant by “surviving” — Elam seemed nonchalant. “I’m still mulling things over, but who knows. I might feed one kid to a bunch of rabid squirrels, and I might turn another into a blueberry.” Then, leaning forward with a glint in his eye: “Maybe I’ll even drown one in a chocolate river while my minions stand by and sing.”
When asked for comment, Ricker Dining made clear that brutally slaughtering students via chocolate was “their thing,” and that if
Willy Wonka Elam wanted to “step on their turf,” he could expect to “catch these hands.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.